Festive conversations

'Tis the season to be jolly, to sit round a fire with friends, to meet strangers over drinks, to search the vacant plot of conversational ideas in our minds, and panic while wearing an equally vacant smile. And then ... discuss the weather.

Alternatively, we could in advance consider a list of possible topics:

• While the global/European financial situation could be considered the perfect recipe for inducing sleep after a substantial feast, it also has the advantage of being a topic with no correct answers; one which will generate as many opinions for its solution as there are people sat round your table and one that unless any of your guests happens to be a government financial adviser, no one will have any chance of influencing anyway, so basically everyone can safely say exactly what they want, no matter how extreme. 

• Children - we as a family fall into all three of the broad topics on the subject of childhood - the nappies, teething soother, pre-school, childcare, nursery, primary school, nativity play, reading tree, times tables, take to after school activities to assuage the guilt of parents surrounded by parents who take their darlings to after school activities era; closely followed by the senior school choosing, how to cope with teen smoking and booze at parties and the parents who condone said activities and to whose homes all our children flock, GCSE selection era; and finally the impossible to solve maze that is UCAS (university) applications, the dilemma of whether to helicopter- parent one's child to University Open Days ( which now bizarrely cater for visiting parent consumers) or let them sort it out for themselves and the comfortable knowledge having been there that in the long term it is easier and a whole lot safer to let them choose for themselves and watch a little smuggly while other parents make the mistake of pushing their child into a "better" university where they will last a term, tops, before dropping out, or switching to a different course.

• There is another topic concerning children which should only be embarked upon in the presence of very good friends who share your views on child rearing and that is childhood ambition - NOT the ambition of the child, but the ambition of the parent FOR the child. We all know at least one "tiger" parent and unless we are in the habit of happily receiving exocet missiles, would not dream of criticising their competitive, rudely intense child rearing skills.Some of them will no doubt have successful children - quite probably ones with hang-ups of never being good enough - but others will have kids who at some point crack, rebel and go completely off the rails i.e. the children they have truly spoilt and deserve. Then, there are the children we all really want to hate, but have to admit that we love - the bright, polite, clever, sporty, musical all rounders, who sail through life picking up prizes, win places at the best universities and then either disappear without trace into motherhood, or a career, or the rare ones who against so many odds becomes a  household name - at least two of my children's contemporaries thrill with potential to someday brighten everyone's life; they and many, many others, I am proud to say I have known. But beware discussing this ambition with anyone you do not know well, as you risk sparking petty jealousies and hurting feelings terribly.

• Pets - I could and have spent many a conversation with near strangers about my Four-legged-friend and their F-l-f, comparing where we walk, bemoaning the dirty refusing-to-pick-up-poo habits of other dog owners, comparing the cost of pet insurance and vets and generally bonding over something we have in common. Just as conversations about nappies and lack of sleep tend to fall flat with the childless, talking about one's pet marks you out as a little mad among the non-animal-loving. So this subject has to be embarked upon with care and with an easy to deploy back up plan. 

• Cars - this can range wildly from who is driving what car, speculation about how so and so can afford the car he's just bought, the trouble you had the last time you had yours serviced. All wildly boring and best left to the men. Also leave anything about football, golf, rugby, the cost of heating oil, any route anywhere that involves the actual discussion of road numbers or names of roundabouts or distances in point anything of a mile, to the chaps.

• What you have watched recently on TV - just how good were Maggie Smith and Dan Stevens in Downton Abbey; what you think of Jamie's last minute Christmas tips - yes, I will be trying the home made pork stuffing along with his brilliant mulled wine from last year, the recipe for which is forever stuck inside one of our kitchen cupboard doors; how much you are looking forward to the ab fab return of Ab Fab and Outnumbered!

• Higgs Boson and all things godly - does the god particle exist. And God ... What does it mean? What might it mean? Are we bothered. How much in awe of Prof  Brian Cox are we? And could I invent some way of bottling his voice and for that matter Liam Neeson's and selling them to people who want warm treacle in their ears when their phone alarm rings?

• New Year resolutions - this deserves a whole blog to itself. Just imagine the conversational possibilities for now.

• Dream dinner party guests: what about George Clooney, Daniel Craig, Simon Pegg, Colin Firth, Robert Downey Jnr, Jude Law, Alfie Boe, Jack Black, Prof Cox, Stephen Fry and a bit of Jazz from Hugh Laurie and Michael Buble - think this is a  conversation for the girls?

• Best film of 2011. Oscar tips for 2012 - Streep as Thatcher (mamma mia! got to see that one!) Have we seen Stephen Fry naked yet? 

• Who is our favourite comedienne? Where has Miranda gone? Please bring her back, very soon, before I fall over with the strain of waiting.

Or if any of the above seem too controversial, or are met with a wall of stunned silence, you can always rely on the weather. As long as you are talking to another Brit this is the safest bet. Always.