Childrearing, or parenting - what are the most difficult times?
Judging by the number of new baby books; books for helping your insomniac mini-monster to sleep; food bibles for babies; volumes and volumes devoted to managing toddler tantrums, faddy feeding, the tricky sharing of child-care when parents life apart, learning to say no, coping with teething, nursery, the dilemma of whether mum should work and if she does whether the separation will damage the child for life, whether to vaccinate or not, and tomes on the first day at school and education in general - it is the early years that worry parents the most.
I would, however, like to put in a plea for mid to late teen parenting being pretty difficult, too. When son was born, we received a card that said something along the lines of " When he wakes you for the umpteenth time in the middle of the night ... just think, when he's sixteen you'll be grateful simply to know where he is!" How true! But the most significant change is the one that concerns control - when your child is an infant, as the parent you are absolute boss - it is you who will be judged when your child runs screaming through the shop; you who chooses when he eats, what he eats and what he drinks with his food; you who, because you are in charge of the diary and the phone, decides who he plays with; you who organises his leisure time; buys his clothes; selects which school he goes to and puts him to bed at bedtime. NONE of this applies any more when he is a teenager and woe betide any parent who tries to buy their teen clothes - they will reside untouched and unloved in the bag you brought them home from the shop in and when you remember to ask why he hasn't worn them, you will be told it's because he's grown out of them - well of course he has - they have been on his wardrobe floor for months. No, the teen years are definitely a time for letting go, standing back and keeping your distance - teens have to be allowed to make mistakes; to fall in love; and to have their hearts broken; to learn about trust, and booze, and having a good time, and what to do when that good time turns sour. But ... but ... but ... it is so hard to get the balance right. All around there are parents at the same stage, some spectacularly getting it wrong, some sailing through completely unruffled - and you struggle to be the unruffled one.
This stage should come with some sort of health warning - 'Working mums- just when you thought life was getting easier - you will find yourself on-call at home as guru on all matters academic, vehicular, emotional, social, dietary, alcoholic, spot related and university applicational - so work on your flexibility and make yourself available.'
So, what are the desirable attributes of a parent of teens - the ones that I haven't found in any book: to be unruffled, but supportive; silent, when it's best to be; encouraging, in the gentlest way (encourage too enthusiastically and they veer off in the opposite direction); quietly proud; and loving.
Always, gloriously and embarrassingly loving.
Judging by the number of new baby books; books for helping your insomniac mini-monster to sleep; food bibles for babies; volumes and volumes devoted to managing toddler tantrums, faddy feeding, the tricky sharing of child-care when parents life apart, learning to say no, coping with teething, nursery, the dilemma of whether mum should work and if she does whether the separation will damage the child for life, whether to vaccinate or not, and tomes on the first day at school and education in general - it is the early years that worry parents the most.
I would, however, like to put in a plea for mid to late teen parenting being pretty difficult, too. When son was born, we received a card that said something along the lines of " When he wakes you for the umpteenth time in the middle of the night ... just think, when he's sixteen you'll be grateful simply to know where he is!" How true! But the most significant change is the one that concerns control - when your child is an infant, as the parent you are absolute boss - it is you who will be judged when your child runs screaming through the shop; you who chooses when he eats, what he eats and what he drinks with his food; you who, because you are in charge of the diary and the phone, decides who he plays with; you who organises his leisure time; buys his clothes; selects which school he goes to and puts him to bed at bedtime. NONE of this applies any more when he is a teenager and woe betide any parent who tries to buy their teen clothes - they will reside untouched and unloved in the bag you brought them home from the shop in and when you remember to ask why he hasn't worn them, you will be told it's because he's grown out of them - well of course he has - they have been on his wardrobe floor for months. No, the teen years are definitely a time for letting go, standing back and keeping your distance - teens have to be allowed to make mistakes; to fall in love; and to have their hearts broken; to learn about trust, and booze, and having a good time, and what to do when that good time turns sour. But ... but ... but ... it is so hard to get the balance right. All around there are parents at the same stage, some spectacularly getting it wrong, some sailing through completely unruffled - and you struggle to be the unruffled one.
This stage should come with some sort of health warning - 'Working mums- just when you thought life was getting easier - you will find yourself on-call at home as guru on all matters academic, vehicular, emotional, social, dietary, alcoholic, spot related and university applicational - so work on your flexibility and make yourself available.'
So, what are the desirable attributes of a parent of teens - the ones that I haven't found in any book: to be unruffled, but supportive; silent, when it's best to be; encouraging, in the gentlest way (encourage too enthusiastically and they veer off in the opposite direction); quietly proud; and loving.
Always, gloriously and embarrassingly loving.
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