E.P.I.C. Failures

An 'Epic failure,' for those not acquainted with anyone under 25, is urban slang for a total failure and is usually abbreviated to epic fail, the opposite of epic win, both being over-used to announce success or otherwise in anything from catching a sweet in your mouth, via exam results and sporting scores, to on-line gaming. All fairly mundane and a long way from the older, traditional definition of 'epic,' which describes a heroic feat, of almost unimaginable bravery, as portrayed in a poem or lengthy piece of prose, such as The Iliad, or The Lord of the Rings.

Not only prone to picking up a word and running with it, so far that the word outclasses any previous definition of cliche, falls - as all favourites must in a competitive, jealous world - and is instantly replaced, thus beginning the cycle again, but the under 25 generation also has a tendency to capitalise EVERYTHING. They think it adds weight to what they are saying. Of course, they aren't actually saying anything - they're sending each other EPIC messages about all the EPIC stuff that's happening in their EPIC lives. In other words, TPS that is all a TWOT. *

Argh! Not fair? I know. I apologise ... I love my under 25s. And their enthusiasm. But sometimes there are ... like just too many words, that ... like get on your nerves, because they're ... like used far too often ... like 'epic,' if you ... like know what I mean.

Anyhow, the sharp-eyed among you will have noticed that I too have capitalised 'epic' - not for emphasis but as an acronym:


E is for electricity

which failed half an hour before friends came for dinner.

Candle-light never looked so good

and food tastes good when eaten by relaxed, happy, dimly-lit people.


P is for central heating plumbing

which failed.

In this weather

and has forced us to rediscover hot water bottles, layering of clothes, the luxury of a vest, and the comfort of wooly jumpers, blankets and cuddles.


I is for internet, specifically broadband and download speeds.

Living here is a privilege

but super fast broadband is a dream and I have seen enough of the buffering circle.

Life is put on hold and my caffeine intake is sky-rocketing because I now turn the computer on, click the site I want to open and put the kettle on. And wait. And wash the dishes. And wait. And drink the coffee. And wait. And put the kettle back on.


C is cognition and the decline thereof. Perhaps it's caffeine overload, but I am sure I'm more forgetful - that elusive name (it's not just politicians - Ed Balls! - who struggle with names), where I put the keys, what my new password is for that new memory-testing site.

One theory, about perceived cognitive decline, suggests it might be due to 'interference on the line' that sifts thoughts and lays down memories in our ageing brains. We live in a world of constant noise and interruption. We all multitask, all the time. We work with the radio on, or listening to music. We are interrupted by phone messages and emails. We constantly keep numerous balls in the air - right now I'm writing, but the washing machine beckons with its 'I'm finished beep', I know there's a message on my phone to answer (it beeped too), the dogs are waiting (not very patiently) to be walked, I can just about hear the radio in another room and I can see there's a notification on Facebook. I know I could turn everything off, but I'm used to working surrounded by 'noise.' I think we all are. An alternative theory proposes that the buzz of modern life is good for us and that our brains have adapted to file information more efficiently than ever before; we only perceive a failing memory because we haven't learnt where to look for this information. Hence the memory-testing site (which might be the subject of another blog).
However, back to this one -


E.P.I.C could stand for other things - none of them failures, some precious, some simple favourites:

E for elephants, and Einstein, and education, and enthusiasm, and energy, and Elgar


P for pets, and photos, and paws, and Prokofiev, and puppies, and Pooh and Piglet

I for ice-cream, and icy puddles

C for cuddles, and children, and caramel, and coffee, and chocolate, and Coldplay, and Clannad, and kisses (if you can't spell)



But - and stop reading here if you like your blogs to be light and entertaining (... sometimes) - consider other failures of truly EPIC (no full stops) E.P.I.C. proportions-


How about Emergency, Poverty and Isolation for starters?

I might temporarily have no power but I do have candles and I now have memories of a lovely evening full of flickering magic and laughter. And the power is back on. As I knew it would be.

I might be cold but I can put on more clothes because I have more clothes. And the roof over my head keeps out the rain and the wind. And I can boil a kettle to give my children hot-water bottles that keep them warm in bed. And they have beds.

I might be frustrated that it takes longer than usual to connect with the outside world but if the waiting becomes too much I can drive my car to the nearest internet coffee-house because I have a car and fuel and money for coffee.

I can do all of these things.

I can - even when snowed under by the demands of work, washing, school runs, cooking, cleaning, bills to pay, exercise, dieting, ironing-mountains, blogs to write, book manuscripts to edit, beds to change, dogs to walk and kennels to tidy because Four-legged-friend and Bertie Baggins have shredded the winter insulation of carpet and underlay scraps.

I can do all of these things.

I can when so many can't. They can't because of Emergencies - big and small; Poverty and Isolation.


So does C, then, stand for can? It does. That's how it's spelt.


But it could also stand for Caring and Compassion and Charity.

Couldn't it?






*TPS = totally pointless stuff and TWOT = total waste of time