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Help! I think I'm going mad.

My food has been talking to me. Yes! It really has! Is this a sign of madness? Should I be worried?

As a matter of fact, I have to confess, I am a bit concerned. After all, food hasn't spoken to me before. And it's not something I've heard other dogs talking about. Although, if you were another dog and hearing voices, it's probably not something you'd freely talk about, would you, just in case we all thought you were a few dog biscuits short of a full meal?

Think I had better explain.

Mum and I disagree on the definition of food - sometimes, okay, we are in agreement, like when she gives me breakfast or supper, or bread, or carrots, or if I'm really lucky, bones, and none of them talk to me. But when it comes to rabbit droppings, partial rotting corpses of some long dead beast, and my favourite: the custard like dollops of cow poo scattered across the field, she says it's disgusting and I say they are delicacies, to be savoured. I think most dogs would agree with me. Anyway, these are the foods that have started to speak. Interestingly, they all have the same voice and they all say the same thing, "Beep! Beep!". This usually follows mum yelling "Leave it!" at me. And I do; I can't eat food that talks!

You'd think mum would be concerned and worry if I am ill or something, because of how I am avoiding all the 'disgusting' foods, but instead she looks really pleased with herself, as if she has an important secret; one that only she knows. I'm losing weight too - surely that should worry her. But no, for some reason, it doesn't.

As if saying 'beep! beep!' isn't enough, something even worse happened yesterday. I had been trapped inside my run, when a small buzzard caught and plucked and disected a pigeon about 3 feet from my snout.When mum came to take me for a walk and scared the buzard off, I went to have a perfectly innocent sniff around the meat! deceased bird.

"Leave it!" commanded mum and the pigeon said, "Beep! Beep!".  Not so dead then. "Leave it!" said Mum again ... and the pigeon squirted me in the eye. Definitely alive and what an impressive spitting aim! But it's strange how pigeon spit tastes so much of bitter lemon.

P.S. I left the pigeon alone ... and Mum did an impression of the Cheshire Cat, again.

So what do you think, should I be worried about losing my mind? Am I going mad, or am I right to be suspicious that it might have something to do with Mum ...

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