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Life in the slow lane - Part One.

Recent hypothetical text message from parent to adult son -

Been in the garden all day. Time for a bath first then I'll leave, with you by 8. Chilly here - have you had snow? See you soon. Lots of  love xx
PS. Bought too many aubergines yesterday - would you like some?

All very mundane; boring even? Hmmm.

In an effort to save time or appear somehow with-it or hip or whatever term is used now to mean 'not ancient', the parent could instead have sent this -

Been in the garden all day. Time for 🛁. Chilly here - do you have ❄️. 
PS. Would you like some 🍆? Lots of X

Yes, I punctuate my texts.

Punctuation, however, isn't the point here. Or rather it's not the only thing unmasking me as someone who is not hip/cool/sic or lit (which list, of course, proves without a doubt that I am none of these things).

No. The point is that with the insertion of a few emojis, I changed an innocent message about gardening, the weather and vegetables, into something x-rated and made myself look ridiculous.


Well - let's see: a bath is a coffin. And to send someone a bath emoji is to say that you wish they were dead. No bubbles, no soap, no rubber duck - instead, an eternity rotting in a box. Not nice!
A snowflake or snow ... do you see where this is going? ... is slang for drugs.
And the aubergine; the poor misappropriated, blameless aubergine - I guess you know what that signifies.
Lastly, lots of X ... where X equals ecstacy ... that's just very sad.

As a further note to the unwary, un-cool, or antique-generation, even if you plan on planting an Acer in your garden; or are visiting Canada in the autumn; or are simply looking for a pretty coloured leaf to make a happy, picture-book-esque message for a child, don't include a maple leaf - 🍁 this is cannabis. Who knew? I didn't.

The age of innocence has shifted up a generation or two. Such was probably always the case. But we older folk risk mockery if we try to adopt our children's tropes. This, too, has always been the case; a parent's ability to embarrass his or her children is, after all, a right of parental passage. Best perhaps to be wary and view from the side-lines, understanding the game but not joining in. While we need to know what our younger children are texting to their peers, we also need to avoid looking an idiot (or would that be a tool?!)



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