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Cuddle classification

This morning Littlest defined us all in terms of the types of cuddle we give - biggest, longest, warmest and squeeziest - and that got me thinking: we all like to cuddle when the situation is right, put yourself in the wrong situation however and the cuddle becomes one of the most toe-curling, awkward and uncomfortable actions ever. So here is my list, or classification, of cuddles (you can, if you like substitute hug for cuddle in all of these except the first - that is very definitely a cuddle):


  1. Mother and Littlest cuddle - absolute heaven. As of course is any mother and child cuddle. Except when child decides he/she is too old for cuddles - the snatched ones outside school; when older child is on his/her laptop and thinks mother is prying; or any cuddle when older child's friends are present - these all result in a tense shrug and irritated noise that sounds a bit like "Gertoff". Littlest hasn't discovered "Gertoff" yet and hopefully it will be a long time before she does.
  2. Pick you up cuddles - those that say - I'm here for you, no matter what; don't worry; I understand your disappointment; I share your pain.
  3. Well done cuddles - sportsmen over-frequently display these. Students getting exam results do them quite a bit too (unless of course the Pick you up type would be more appropriate).
  4. Goodbye cuddles - these bind you together all too briefly and for their duration all you can think about is the inevitable separation to follow. Think parents and students newly off to university or college next month - the child thinking whoopee (but in a slightly scared sort of way) and the parent thinking wish you didn't have to leave, and where did the last 18 years go?
  5. Reconciliation cuddles - those that follow an arguement We are getting into the realm of awkward cuddles now ...
  6. Long lost (and thought you'd ditched them) acquaintance cuddles - those friends you bump into at someone else's party, people you've grown out of or away from and haven't spoken to for years and suddenly there they are, thrust upon you again and you feign pleasure and feign a brief really-wish-I-didn't-have-to cuddle. And on the subject of toe-curling cuddles ...
  7. "Kinky" cuddles - we've all witnessed these: older man (who has been through a war and has an upper lip you could iron a shirt on) and teenage grandson, nephew, or even worse friend, whose affectionate cuddle to rigid octogenarian is akin to hugging a previously quiescent volcano. An eruption of homophobic, spluttering vitriol follows, not always, thankfully, addressed directly at the younger man but more frequently at the long suffering relatives of the older man who thinks the whole male to male hugging experience is totally "kinky" (does anyone under the age of seventy use that horrid word now? Couldn't it be pensioned off by the compilers of dictionaries?) To be fair, not all older men exhibit this buttoned-up-to-the-eyeballs behaviour: my father has always given and received cuddles, with his daughters and grand-daughters, and also with his grandsons. Men who don't are missing out on a great joy (but I suspect they don't see it that way).
  8. Mutual gratification cuddles - where the two people involved in the cuddle check first that everyone is watching before cuddling. The hug or cuddle is done to impress their audience and is to benefit the reputation of both. Celebrities do this a lot.
  9. I love you cuddles - obvious, but sometimes contain elements of some of the above.
  10. And lastly for now - although, I am sure there are many other types of cuddle, including the biting, wriggling, sloppy, short-lived sort with Four-legged-friend - for anyone paying attention, Littlest only defined four types of cuddle from her siblings and myself. Someone was missing. His type of cuddle? Scratchiest - owing to his stubble on Littlest's cheek!

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